I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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