i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
