In the future we'll all be gay
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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