i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
