I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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