She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
