i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
