Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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