If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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