someone owes me an orgasm
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
