She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
