I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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