You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
