plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm passing your future prison.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
