Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
