so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
