I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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