I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
