I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
