I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
