Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
