Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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