my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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