I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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