I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
