I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm at about main and main street
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
