She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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