Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
