the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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