Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He has the fingertips of a God
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