Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
