my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
