Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
