I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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