I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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