You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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