i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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