I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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