Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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