God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
