last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
