he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
