yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
