Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
