When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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