Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
