Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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