I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
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