OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
