I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
