everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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