I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
