just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
