someone threw a dead crab at me
it wasn't lemon gatorade
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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