Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
