I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
