When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
