My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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