the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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