i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
