Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
