Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize