I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
